One of the things that I see often in the parents I work with is shame. They may or may not articulate it, but most are ashamed of the actions that caused them to lose temporary custody of their children. Shame causes all of us to withdraw; we don’t want anyone to know what has happened. But if you are involved in a CINA case and have had your children removed—we (the professionals) already know. We know your kids have been removed. We know why they’ve been removed. We may not know everything that brought you to that point, but what we don’t know, we likely suspect. This isn’t because we’re somehow spying on you, but because these cases are distressingly similar. 

If you have a substance use disorder, we likely know when you’re using, due to “behavioral indicators.” When you give us all the reasons why you haven’t yet gone to treatment, we know that it’s really because you’re overwhelmed and afraid. It’s not because of insurance, or your job, or anything else, even though those things might also be a problem. We know about domestic violence, so we understand why you don’t leave, even though it’s imperative that you do. We have been trained in recognizing trauma and working with a trauma-informed care model. We’ve gone to training about brain development, mental health, fetal alcohol syndrome, secondary and vicarious trauma, and a whole host of things that you might never guess. 

And we know you hide. But please, please do not do that. We cannot help you if the only time you show up is for court and family team meetings. 

If you don’t feel safe in the courtroom, tell us; we can help. We can help you find a domestic violence advocate (Children & Families of Iowais a great start), we can do the hearing with closed-circuit television, or even something as simple as putting ourselves between you and your abuser when sitting in the courtroom.

If you need help getting into treatment, getting protective daycare for your kids, or finding a therapist, let us know; we can help. DHS and your FSRP worker have lists of people who can help you. 

If you need housing resources, transportation assistance, or food assistance; we can help. If you need a job but have a criminal record that makes it difficult, we will tell you that Iowa Works(f/k/a Iowa Workforce Development) has a list of employers that are willing to work with people who have that background, as well as provide other assistance and training to help you obtain employment. 

But we cannot help if we don’t know.

Unfortunately, some of the help is a short-term solution for a long-term problem. A bus pass will help you this month, but the question is, what will you do next month? DHS does not have unlimited bus passes, but even if they did, at a certain point they will be out of your life. And then you have to figure it out on your own. So while you are court-involved, take advantages of all the ways that DHS, FSRP, and your attorney can help you. Now is not the time to hide. 

DHS provides a case plan to the court early on, and then updates that via monthly reports. The problem is, the plan is only designed to get you to reunification. It is, of course, really important to have that plan in place so that you know exactly what you need to do in order to have your children returned to you. However, once the case is closed, whether due to reunification, termination of parental rights (“TPR”), or guardianship, the plan stops and so does the professional support. 

Some of these things are a part of the ongoing case plan, of course. DHS and the courts will usually want you to find employment, for example. Once you have a job, the assumption is that that will continue after the case closes. They ask you to have safe, reliable transportation. If you can’t afford a vehicle, you’re still going to have to budget for public transportation (assuming you live in a large enough city that there is a public transportation system). Although you may have friends or family willing to help you with transportation, they will not likely want to do that forever (or certainly not for free). 

Housing is something else that is essential to reunification, but sometimes our families end up in places they can’t afford, which results in eviction. If you are receiving housing assistance that is temporary, work with your case worker to make sure that when the assistance ends, you can still afford your home. 

If you are in therapy, it’s probably a good idea for that to continue even after the case closes. In fact, it may be even more important at that point, because it may be one of the few professional supports available to you. And, if any of the stressors that landed you in DHS/Court begin to arise, your therapist can help you address that early on so you don’t end up in court again. 

The point is, you do not want to get complacent while court-involved, and then suddenly are scrambling when all those services stop. Build your connections, resources, and support system while you have help. And no matter how much shame you may feel, no matter how afraid you may be, don’t hide. Ask for help. If you’re not sure what you need, tell us that, and we can help you figure it out. 

We want you to succeed, and we do not want you to ever go through this again. We want a safe, strong family for you and your kids, and we want their forever home to be yours. 

Don’t Hide
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